Written and Directed by Nathan Rumler
Starring Brian Papandrea and Emily Hilborn
Dick (Brian Papandrea) wakes up with what may be the worst
hangover ever. No matter how much water he drinks, he is still thirsty. Wakened
by a phone call from Suzy (Emily Hilborn), she invites him over to her house
for beer, movies and maybe, if he’s lucky, a repeat performance of what they
shared a few nights ago.
Everything is looking pretty good for Dick.
Well, except for his penis.
He uses Suzy’s bathroom and it looks like it’s been through
a shredder. Even when he tries to pee, it comes out of the wrong place and
drenches him.
It seems the hookup from last night was more than he
reckoned with and now he has a thirst than can only be quenched by blood from Suzy’s
crotch???
Now they are both cursed with the thirst and need to feed
from others crotches no matter what.
And, for some reason, their intelligence levels seem to be
dropping.
This is no normal case of vampirism.
As they will both soon find out.
FANGBONER, the directorial debut of Nathan Rumler mixes
together a vicious soundtrack, the sensibilities of a lovechild made from the
unholy union of Andy Milligan and H.G. Lewis and a healthy dose of slapstick
humor.
In other words a film that will be hard pressed to fins a
single genre to call its home.
This is a good thing. This is the thing which midnight
movies are made of. And FANBONER deserves a place with them.
Brian Papandrea brings this weird, Iggy Pop manic energy to
the role as Dick, the guy who thinks with his dick and it gets him into the
most trouble inhumanly possible. The film gives a small vibe as to the perils
of unsafe sex; even a blow job can be deadly if you stick your penis in a
monster’s mouth. Even if she’s as pretty as Sheri Darling.
The true stand out of the film would have to be Emily
Hilborn as Suzy. The pink haired cutie who just thought that she and Dick might
have something more, until she gets cursed with the same unnatural thirst and
they need to kill to stay alive. She brings a sad vulnerability to a girl who
just wants to date a nice guy.
The problem is that Dick really isn’t a nice guy.
The film packs a one two allegory punch when they discover
the highly illegal cure for their deteriorating mental condition. Even though
the cure could cause more damage in the long run they embrace the means to
restore their intelligence.
FANGBONER embraces old school gore effects, loud music for
the soundtrack and gives us a throwback to the days when you went hunting
through the mom and pop video stores of old. You’d find that big box VHS with
the cool artwork and you’d take it home in the hopes that it would deliver the
goods.
Sometimes it did. Sometimes, well, you know.
FANGBONER delivers.
Oh, and the title? As a constant attendee of the best
convention on the planet, Cinema Wasteland in Strongsville Ohio Ohio
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